This morning I got to attend worship at a
different church. A rare treat for me, being a pastors spouse we don't get to travel much on Sunday's. T was speaking to the congregation there about his trip to Puerto Rico this past summer, along with several other youth. While they were practing before worship I sat on a bench in the church courtyard and waited.

A lady came and sat next to me and we started chatting about the beans she had made for the lunch after worship, her plan to study her absentee ballot for the upcoming election. Her friends slowly began arriving to church and joined us. It was a peaceful time for me, just to sit and listen. They invited me to stay for lunch.

Then, my friend Pat walked over and greeted me with a big hug and said how are you? How are things at your church..fine I answered. Just fine, we love where we are. We're blessed by our church family. Then she asked again, No, really, HOW ARE YOU? Her husband is a retired pastor, she knows. She knew that was my standard answer. The pastor spouse speak for it's all good, everything is awesome. It's not..it never is. I was able to share with her in confidence how things really are, the struggles, the frustrations, the things that were really on my heart. She of course got it, had been there, knew what challenges lie ahead for us. She promised to pray for me, and told me a very funny story to lift my spirits. Then it was time to go inside for worship, but in reality my worship had already begun. It began on that simple bench in the church courtyard

Seeking New Job.

I need a new job. I have been teaching in some capacity for 20 years, most of them with preschoolers. I have taught kids with special needs, Montessori, rich kids, poor kids. country kids. city kids. And I am done. Finished. Hit a brick wall. The very thought of having to get up and put on my behavior therapist hat tomorrow makes me want to crawl back under the cover and stay there. I have talked to my supervisor and manager, friends and family. Trying to figure out why? What next? What can I change? Danny said to me the other day, I don't understand how a job that has made you so happy for the past 3 years just doesn't anymore. Me either. My friend at church asked me today, What brings you joy? Sleeping, reading, my dog, scrapbooking, watching NCIS, Dole Whip and Yogurtland, friends, being with my family. Not a very promising list for jobs, although I did apply to Barnes and Noble.  Another friend said, what is it about your job that you don't like? Is it the company? No. I love my company! The support and training are awesome, I make average pay for what I do, the incentives are good. I love my co-workers. I just don't want to behavior therapist anymore. I am burnt out. I loved the challenge, now it drains me. I loved the strides and goals they would meet, and the tiniest of accomplishments. Now, it's just not enough to keep me motivated. I have taught for so long, I have no idea what I want to do. I know I don't want to take care of anyone, teach, sell anything, drive long distances, or have anything to do with money, Sigh. Thanks for listening.

On Sunday, a dear friend of ours came to visit. While we were all sitting at the kitchen table visiting, she commented on Tristan's mug. Tillamook, like the cheese? Yes he said. I got it in Oregon, when we went to visit. We then began to tell her funny stories from our road trip last summer. Me, locking the keys in the car (twice), the milk "duds" of our sightseeing adventures (devil's punchbowl) The amazing pizza in Cannon Beach, the incredible beauty of Ruby Beach. The joy of spending time hiking and camping with his cousins. And the plantium 5 star review of Tillamook Cheese factory. Now, to many people the tour would not be a big deal. For Tristan it was a dream come true. Since he was little boy he's been a huge fan of Tillamook cheese and has always wanted to go visit. Danny would tell us, I'm not driving 600 miles to go see cheese. It's not about the cheese I would say. It's about his dream. It's not going to be a big deal much longer. We need to go. Now. Before it isn't. Last summer, through an awesome invitation by our family to tag along on their already planned camping trip; Tristan and I finally made it to Tillamook, Oregon. I've been heartbroken, confused and angry the past few days over the senseless deaths. More guns. No laws to stop it. I read the list of the deceased, from the massacre in Orlando. Multitudes of young people shot. Some just a few years older than my own boys. Dreams gone. Families torn apart. I feel helpless. Unable to do anyting or change the broken system. Will it ever end? Then I thought of our road trip. And I smiled. I took the time to look through our pictures again. It brought back some good memories. Then, in the midst of my feeling of utter helplessness, I thought of those young people who will never go on to live their dreams. It broke my heart all over again. What can we do? We can live! I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, and one of the young men killed was a Gryffindor working at WWHP in Orlando. I have clung to his story, read about him, seen his pictures. Luis loved life!! Don't let darkness overtake you. Don't let hate win, light! Love. Dream. Take risks. Make a bucket list and Go. Do. However small it may be, How ever silly it may sound. Is it important to you? Will it bring you a bit of joy? In this crazy mixed up world of hate, chaos and horrific crimes, take the time to find to love. Be kind to yourself and others. Help make another's dream come true. Be in the light friends. "I wanna be in the Light As You are in the Light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens. Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation, Cause all I want is to be in the Light. All I want is to be in the Light." ~Charlie Peacock